A Mama's Perspective

A year ago this time of year, life was normal. Simple. Easy. The biggest thing on my plate was planning a low key first birthday party and prepping for some time away at an art conference. I probably thought that each of these events was overwhelming at the time, now I can literally laugh thinking of how simple life was back before things changed so quickly for us. 

As we come closer and closer to my sweet boy’s diagnosis anniversary (a more positive way of saying DOOMS DAY or  the day our lives changed forever), I’ll fully admit my emotions have been out of control. It’s hard having social media show flashbacks from last year’s memories, and trying to see if there were any signs that my boy was sick. It’s hard having people talk about upcoming annual events and realizing you don’t remember them from last year - either I missed them or because they simply weren’t important at the time. And it’s especially hard dealing the juxtaposition of wanting to celebrate every moment and protect your child from the very scary world at the same time. 

Let’s start with the good stuff first. While everyone can probably agree that this January was the longest ever, it was crazy how fast February flew by. It was especially hard to keep up with everything when the Callahan boys both decided that they were midnight party animals, making the collective Callahan bedtime to be very early, to make up for the fact we’d be up most the night. Despite the lack of sleep and the busy back to real life schedule, we were able to use our time to plan for the biggest event we’ve undertaken in our effort to give back in Jack’s name. March would be busy, but so worth it if we could pull off a weekend filled with a community blood drive and a first birthday celebration. Well, both events were perfect. 94 units of blood were collected and I’m pretty sure that Jack’s smile never left his face during his party. 

If those events weren’t enough to exhaust us all, Jack was also chosen by the local Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to be their “Boy Of the Year” for 2020. We went to the kickoff dinner for the Man and Woman of the Year fundraising campaign, and my boys stole the show. Jack was adorable, clapping for himself and entertaining the crowd. Cooper was a perfect gentleman, stealing the spotlight without any intent of being anything other than charming. We left the event on an extreme high - so proud of both our boys and how amazing they are despite everything they’ve been through. 

This high was fleeting, as news reports continued to flock the news with more and more on the Coronavirus as well as a horrific tragedy in our town. It’s very weird, but in the same way my moods used to depend on Jack’s health in the hospital, now it seems that when I am surrounded by joy I feel happy, but when tragedy strikes I quickly find myself in a funk that I can’t get out of very easily. I find myself lost in my head when things are bad - worrying about strangers and my own family alike. When times are like this, I’ve found it’s important to get these thoughts out - so here I am typing them out, in an effort to clear my head.

When things started to get crazy with the Coronavirus, my anxieties came to a boiling point when I was in a bit of a medical limbo - waiting to hear from doctors, nurses, anyone who could tell me just how at risk Jack was and how serious this was for everyone. When I couldn’t take it anymore I cried and cried and couldn’t stop crying. I was at work and hysterical and very lucky that one of the kindest people who I work with, just happened to be walking by my room. So, thanks to my buddy for letting me cry it out and act crazy because sometimes you just need to let it out and that’s exactly what you let me do. After what seemed like the longest morning, I finally got through to one of Jack’s doctors who informed me that yes, he is still immunocompromised, and yes, you need to be extra careful. 

So while the rest of the world complains about events getting cancelled, puts funny memes online about how ridiculous everyone is acting or how you’re immune if you’ve been anywhere gross when you were younger - I am breathing easier with every precaution that is being taken. I decided I’m staying home from work to protect my boy and the others around us. While I’d love to be on the joking, everything is fine side of things, this week was a stark reality check that sometimes things are going to be different for Jack. Do I hope that this is being blown out of proportion - yes.  Do I think everyone will be fine - God, I hope so. But the reality is that if you asked me this time last year if I thought my son would have one of the rarest forms of Leukemia I would have called you crazy. Things happen in life without us planning for them. 

Before you put something online about how annoyed you are that the parade is cancelled or that people are acting crazy, think about how this event is affecting other people. Imagine the people who are ready to have babies and are terrified to go to the hospital. Imagine being the grandparents of a child who is sick being told they cannot come help out on the oncology floor. Imagine being the mother whose child is waiting for a procedure at the hospital, only to find out that the hospital has a new case of the virus. Just imagine being someone who has real problems to deal with that are bigger than missing this year’s March Madness or a planned vacation. Instead, enjoy your time at home with your family. Remember how often you’re at work and thinking how much you miss your kids and would do anything to be home with them. The sports seasons will eventually come back, the vacations can be rebooked, and life will eventually go on. In the mean time, hug your loved ones and enjoy your time together. I know that every minute that I get to spend with my boys is a minute I won't regret.