Side Effects

I’m no medical expert, but judging by my own personal experience I have come to the conclusion that AML has side effects that go well beyond the patient. Similar to the end of a drug commercial, I’ll rattle the symptoms. Acute Myeloid Leukemia may cause loss of or complexly ravenous appetite, sleepless nights, not sweating the small stuff, heartbreak, crying, laughing for no reason, cancelled plans, extreme mommy guilt, toughness, and in my case, rapidly graying hair.

I think the week Jack was diagnosed I sprouted roughly 20 new grays along my hairline. While that might not seem like a lot, with hair as dark as mine, they stared back at me from the mirror like a constant reminder that even though I had on a brave face, my body was reacting to the new stress in my life. When they couldn’t figure out Jack’s exact diagnosis, they sent us home to get to be together as a family for the weekend. I found an hour when Jack was napping and Coop was preoccupied to sneak away and have my sister box dye my hair. It’s been almost two months since then, and after a particularly stressful and crazy weekend, I looked in the mirror only to face a head loaded with grays. In my best Rhett Butler, I can say to myself, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” about these hairs. But that would be a stretch because obviously I cared enough to notice and write about it. But it’s less about the grays and more about what comes next. See when people notice things like gray hair, bags under your eyes, or a total need for a pedicure, they assume you don’t care about or are not taking care of yourself. Women preach constantly that you can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself. But honestly I can say that self care means different things to different people, and at this point in my life I just don’t care how I look, if my nails are done, or if my house is in perfect order. Judge me all you want, because if you do, frankly you need some soul searching, my friend. And here’s why.

Since Jack was diagnosed, there have been very few days that my whole family was together. You see, at the hospital there is a flu ban on anyone five and under. As you can probably tell by the constant coughing and sneezing going on around here, everyone is still getting sick despite the fact it’s almost summer. Since Cooper just turned four, he hasn’t been able to be on Jack’s floor. At all. Because of this, we haven’t taken him to a the hospital much so it’s been a lot of divide and conquer parenting (with A LOT of help from family). So there are times when I don’t see one of my sons for days at a time. Plus I’m working, which equals many hours in the car a week. And since there are only 24 hours in a day, I can tell you that there is no way in hell that I’m devoting an hour to perfectly blow drying my hair or scrubbing my floors. Self care for me means making my heart happy. Being with my boys is how I do that. I’d rather spend time playing, laughing, cuddling, doing basically anything as long as it’s with them. Even now I’m typing this in my phone with one hand while Jack snores on my chest. Sure I could sneak out to have some alone time but right now is the only time I can have this exact moment with my boy, so I’m soaking it in. My heart feels just a little bit better after being with Jack, Cooper, or Dan … which says a lot since it’s been broken into pieces lately. You see, my boys, all three of them, make my heart whole. Since Jack’s diagnosis, it’s broken into pieces that are separated by 75 miles.

When times are tough and I’m missing my fellas I can’t help but think of a song from my childhood. Hit it, Fievel!

And even though I know how very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be wishin' on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there, if love can see us through

Then we'll be together somewhere out there

Out where dreams come true.

It’s totally cheesy, I know, thinking of that cute little mouse singing out the window, but I totally sing it to myself of this whenever I’m missing my guys. And knowing that we’re thinking of each other, makes it hurt a little less to not be able to get all those group hugs and cuddles.

Speaking of cuddles, Cooper Callahan gives the best cuddles of any kid around. Literally. He’ll say things like, “Mom, let me get in your nook,” and squeeze right into that spot under my arm where he can fit perfectly and rest his head on my chest. Cooper is a pretty amazing kiddo, and given the way he’s rolled with the crazy punches we’ve faces these last few months, we wanted to make his fourth birthday special. Unfortunately, we planned the perfect weekend and God had other plans. His party went off without a hitch, and on his actual birthday we had planned to stay at the Ronald McDonald House and let Cooper see his brother. We would bring him down for one of our walks, (Jack can go outside when he’s off his IVs and monitors, and our walks have become a good thing for all our well-being) and have a picnic for the brothers to finally be together. On our caravan to Danville, Maggie called Dan to let him know Jack was sick. By the time we arrived Jack was spiking high fevers and we knew he couldn’t leave his room to see his brother. Later, he got so sick that they had to move him from out perfectly decorated room that we’ve called home for most of our stay. My amazing Mother-in-Law handled the mid-night move like she does everything, with complete calmness and total grace. She made sure that we knew just enough not to worry and by the time I got to the room from the Ronald McDonald House, Maggie had done her best to get the room organized like we had it, all while taking care of Jack and running on an hours sleep. I’m in totally awe of how she handled this crazy situation, complete with Jack puking in the midst of the moving our life down the hall to our new room in isolation. Maggie, I know I don’t say it half as much as I should, but I’m so thankful that we have you in our lives. You are strong and tough and you always work to make us happy and that never goes unnoticed. I love you so much. We all do.

The other hero of the weekend was none other than the birthday boy himself. For a kid that can be so OCD about certain things (I dare you to try to get him to go to bed before having perfectly chilled white whole milk in his clean canteen and watching at least three Curious George’s of his choosing), Cooper certainly rolled with the punches. When we told him that I would have to stay back from our scheduled Knobles trip to take care of Jack, he understood. When I had to bail on our second night at the Ronny House, he never questioned. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Cooper had his best birthday yet. If AML has familial symptoms, it is making Cooper Callahan into an even cooler kid, which is something that I simply didn’t think was possible. Cooper, someday you’ll read this and I want you to know just how proud I am of you and your ability to adapt throughout this whole process. I am so proud of you and thankful that God chose us to be your parents. I love you more than Dragons Love Tacos...and we both know that’s a whole lot.